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In My Words "Don't ever lose faith in who you are, for that's what makes you different. Don't try to turn yourself into someone everyone else is, for if that happens, the world is a poorer place." - Sept 2005 Flying Fingers of
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Tuesday, January 20, 2004
I'm very tired. i've lost any motivation to carry on with the job i'm doing now in singsoc. i really gave my best. but i still feel so unappreciated. i'm no longer feeling the satisfaction that i used to enjoy.
all i wanted for was to have a good dinner, to have everyone happy, satisfied with the food. i hoped that it would have been appreciated, not necessarily by everyone, but at least by my own committee members. the very few who have been enjoying themselves doing their own stuff while i was trudging around london looking for a place to have this dammed dinner with a stomach flu. it hurts to have the criticism thrown back at my own face, especially by people who didn't help even though they could have. i didn't do this job for appreciation, for praises, for commendation, for pats on the back. but it would be nice to receive them once in a while. especially when i really gave my best. well, maybe the effort doesn't pay off in the end. maybe it's time i just follow how the rest work. maybe i'll feel happier that way... weather the storms together? what bullshit. another day of silence... i think we've run out of things to say to each other. is it? or did i do something wrong? i don't know. but i sure don't like it. it really sucks.. it really sucks! what a change from the days gone by... it seemed just like yesterday. i guess i've outlived my shelf life and they've all moved on. i'll just continue my own miserable existence then. it's not easy, pretending to be happy, when i really ain't. And still i dream she'll come to me, that we will live the years together. But there are dreams that cannot be, there are storms we cannot weather. I had a dream that my life would be, so different from this hell i'm living, so different now from what it seemed, now life has killed the dream, I dreamed... kelvin was inspired at 12:40 AM |
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