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"Don't ever lose faith in who you are, for that's what makes you different.
Don't try to turn yourself into someone everyone else is, for if that happens, the world is a poorer place."
- Sept 2005

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There's always been a time of year that I never look forward to, maybe with the exception of 2003. Valentine's Day is always one that brings with it a day of reflection, self-pity, ponderings and a self imposed wallow in sadness session. but come to think about it, occasions that are supposed to be happy ones have always proven to be forgettable ones.

is my life that devoid of meaning now?

if i remember correctly, i spent my 19th and 20th birthdays alone, at marina cineplex watching movies and eating my favourite ban mian. i was forced to celebrate my 21st birthday by my parents, and i had just one guest, junxiang. i had such a big 2 kg cake, and just 4 people to share it with me. everyone talks of grand, memorable, eventful 21st birthdays. mine was just forgettable. my 22nd birthday. bittersweet event. i finally had a birthday party, after 16 years of waiting. a surprise party. under all circumstances, it was a nice event. except that i know that a good number of them had to be coaxed and cajoled into turning up, some were there for a personal platform, and some were there just because some other person was there. it became a big charade, a big pantomine, and a big show. and my mum paid $500 for it. i can only apologise to her.

my birthdays have lost any meaning to me. i'm afraid to celebrate or to tell people it's my birthday, because i don't want to go through the pain of knowing that i'm not remembered anymore, or that i don't matter enough to others for them to remember it's my birthday. neither do i want it to be a day where everyone treats me like a king and treat me crap the other 364 days. it's this great fear that is tearing me apart.

i do not want others to feel the way i do about birthdays. birthdays are grand events. it is a day for people to remember you, to single you out, and to let you know that you matter to them. that's why i always do my best to remember the birthdays of each and every person i call a friend, and to do something for them to let them know that i remember, and they matter to me. the things i do may be extravagant, may be extra, may be overly enthusiastic, may be irrational. but all these doesn't matter to me, because a friend is always worth it.

So J, Joyeux Anniversaire!

Back in secondary school, and JC. i always looked forward to valentines, because it'll be a day where i can see romantic stuff being done for others, and i can make a mental note of what to do and what not to do when i eventually get to celebrate it in it's proper setting. in school, it didn't feel that bad because it was friendship day as well. i could always count on having friends around me, to go out as a group, to laugh and to celebrate singledom. but as the years roll on, i no longer find friends who can do that with me. one by one they find partners, and valentine's day for them, takes on a more important meaning that for simple friends. it gets harder and harder each year for me to add another heng / shu to the many zhengs i've written to remind myself of how many valentines days i've missed out on.

it also reminds me to treasure fully the opportunity to celebrate one, and never to make the same mistakes that i made all these while ever again.

i remember, in the army, i used to volunteer to do guard duty / COS duty on all those days no one else wanted to do. christmas, national day, valentines' day, new year's day. i'm not sure why, but i always do it.

in the end, when i think about it, and all the other things i do for others. i guess it just narrows down to one thing.. that if i cannot find happiness in my life, the very least i can do is to help others find happiness in their lives. a life devoid of happiness is a very sad one. one that i do not want others to have to live. i don't ask for a lot, but i still don't get it.

so that's where i find my little sparks of happiness in life now and then. to see my friends and people that matter to me happy. and that is all i can ever wish for, my friends. that's all i can ask for now.

kelvin was inspired at 12:18 AM