I stood on the shoulders of giants

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"Don't ever lose faith in who you are, for that's what makes you different.
Don't try to turn yourself into someone everyone else is, for if that happens, the world is a poorer place."
- Sept 2005

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kelvin
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In my mail yesterday lay a card from Singapore, I opened it and I received my very first wedding invitation. One of my dearest friends is getting married. it was just 6 years ago that we entered junior college and had rolling good times together. It's now her turn to enter another phase of life and to take on new responsibilities, and partake in the joys of being the lawfully wedded wife of someone.

But as I feel happy, I feel sad as well. All my friends have moved forward. When I return to Singapore I am not sure what sort of Singapore I return to. I can no longer pick up the phone and ask, "Let's go out". My best friend in JC has found someone he loves with his heart. My best friend from the army has found someone who is willing to walk every step with him. Both these friends are dear to me, but I know I probably can't ask the same from them any more.

Now that another one of my friends, one whom I can always depend on to take time out to keep me company for dinner, or maybe a show, is going to be a wife, I know I can't ask for her time anymore.

It is things like these which make me apprehensive about going back. Within my circle of friends, I'm not too sure I would belong anymore. I am happy for them, but there is always a but.

I spent the evening watching romance movies. I watched Serendipity, A Walk to Remember, Love Actually, not the whole movie but just the clips which bring a smile to me. Love is beautiful. It really is.

I watched Love Actually and its christmas theme, and I think back to how I spent my christmas. I spent it alone, watching Love Actually. It is times like that I wish I had someone to spend it with me.

But sometimes I wonder, is getting attached or professing to love someone because you want her to keep you company during the times you need her, or to have someone to talk to irregardless of the matter or the time, or to have someone's hand to hold as you walk along the streets, or to have someone doing sweet things for you, the little things that really make your day, or to have someone to put into that future you're planning. Is this what love is all about?

The old me probably thought love is someone looks good, who you feel happy showing to your friends and have them say, "Oh lucky you". But is that really love? I don't think so anymore. It's been 4 years since I've loved and been loved in return, but is love still the same for me? I don't think so.

I talk to my friends and they tell me, they love her/him, and I can feel that special feeling in what they say. At times I ask myself quietly, is it really love they are feeling? but it is not me to question, nor is it me to judge, for perhaps I too know not what love is about.

But what I do know is that love for me is when someone is so much more important than I am to me. Love fills my life and is my life, and there is no me when there is love. Love is when your happiness is secondary to hers, and where you are willing to be sad to make her happy. Love is you look into her eyes and you see yourself in there. Love is when she is you.

But is that love to other people? It will be too idealistic to assume so. For other people have their own notions of love and it is for them to know what love feels like, and to give out.

Perhaps it is because I see love in this way, this ideal, this beautiful and this distant notion that I am not able to see what love can be, or may be, or accept it in any form that it may come, if ever. But it is not my place to rue nor think with sadness, for it just not be my turn nor my time.

Love is always patient and kind
It is never jealous
Love is never boastful nor conceited
It is never rude or selfish
It does not take offence
and it is not resentful
Love takes no pleasure in other people's sins
but delights in the truth

it is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope and to endure
whatever comes

-1 Cor 13

kelvin was inspired at 1:16 AM