I stood on the shoulders of giants

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"Don't ever lose faith in who you are, for that's what makes you different.
Don't try to turn yourself into someone everyone else is, for if that happens, the world is a poorer place."
- Sept 2005

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kelvin
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bloody stressed

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My past few entries have not done justice to my feelings much. It's been an emotional roller-coaster for me of late, quite simply because I'm getting too emotionally involved in too many things for my own good. The cold detachment that I have painstakingly built up over the past year suddenly crumbles the moment I find my weaknesses exploited once more. In this collapse, I ask myself, am I as strong as I think myself to be?

Yet another one of those all-too-familiar emails popped up in my inbox this morning, and even though I did prepare myself for the worst, I felt lost. For a moment, I sat in my chair and pondered my plans, only to realise, I have no plans. My friends will tell me, "This is God's plan for me," and even though every time I pray, I submit myself to His plans for me, I always yearn for that break which I know I deserve.

It's so easy for many of my friends to say that it's His plan for them because He has given them all the very best, but even as I count my numerous blessings, I cannot help but to lapse into lament over what could and should have been. I'm not ungrateful for what I have, I am deeply grateful, but why can't I have that bit more?

Maybe it's just His way of telling me to take all these disappointments in my stride so that when IT finally comes, I will grasp it with both hands and treasure it. I know, I will definitely treasure it. But time is running out for me. I look around at my over-achieving peers and I feel small. As if it's not bad enough that I started out feeling small, but it's even more pronounced now.

There are even times I feel like a total loser here. And I know many people feel the same about me. While I am past mulling about how people think about me, I am getting increasingly worried about the lack of confidence I have in myself. I know, I keep on telling myself to have belief in me, but when it comes to the crunch, I always seem to lack that final bit to push myself through.

All my life, I have been an underachiever, simply because I lack that mental strength to push myself to be nothing but a winner. I always seem happy to settle for my lot in life. Is that why I am perpetually losing out to others? It seems approriate that iTunes is playing "Measure of a Man" now.

"Why do you ask him move heaven and earth,
to prove his love has worth.

will he walk on water?
will he run through fire?
will he stand before you when it's down to the wire?
will he give his life up to be all he can

Is that Is that Is that, how you measure a man?"

If that's how you measure a man, that's probably why I never quite measure up.

"He takes you out and he takes you up
'Cause he can show you so much
I go to bed and tomorrow again
there's a lot of work to be done

He gives you gold and he'll promise you
the whole world will be yours
I just can't tell you I love you so
even though my odds are low

I'm not an actor I'm not a star
and i don't even have my own car
But i'm hoping so much you 'll stay
that you will love me anyway."

I can't promise anyone anything now, because everyone else seems to be able to promise so much more. Be it as an employee or as an individual, I can't measure up to many many other people, in so many many ways.

Is it time that I admit that I'm just not good enough?

I hope not, for in the corners of my heart, there will always be these dreams, these dreams which mean so much to me, these dreams which I pray, so, so hard, will one day come true. But for now, the fringes remain fringes, for nothing but emptiness takes centrestage.

kelvin was inspired at 10:47 AM