I stood on the shoulders of giants

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"Don't ever lose faith in who you are, for that's what makes you different.
Don't try to turn yourself into someone everyone else is, for if that happens, the world is a poorer place."
- Sept 2005

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kelvin
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It Drives Me

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it's not been a good week or weekend. I am up to my ears in frustration and disappointment and it's going to take an immense amount of willpower to get me through the next few weeks.

I know I can be an absolute pain in the ass to deal with when working on matters close to my heart. It is because I care, and I care how my work is perceived. When I have a stake in something I put in 100% effort and make sure it succeeds. But what I need is the liberty to make it happen. If i don't have that license, I really cannot work.

Look, the trade off is simple, I have never told any other people how to do their job, even if i have serious concerns over them. Simply because I am not asked. All I ask for is the same respect in return. You do your job I do mine. It is long settled that we work towards the same goal, you meet your targets i meet mine. That's fair game.

For the first time, I had to cancel saturday morning plans. I never thought it would boil down to this where it won't make sense to do anything because there isn't enough people around to do anything. The big day is 3 weeks away and we still have not trained as a team, and will not train as a team till a week before.

I was right. I know I cannot make people love the game. I cannot force them to feel something for the team. Because even me myself, I'm slowly losing faith in myself and my role within the team. It pains me when I see that all we've achieved so far being ursurped by other values which threatens our very existence. I am forced to seriously consider the proposition, that it simply doesn't mean anything much to them anymore, and all my love, care and concern for the cohesive unit, has come to nought.

I can't see from the viewpoint of sweat, but I have shed the tears. The only thing that has made it all so worth it were the friendships I see being forged. From Hyde Park to written cards, to egg tarts and starbucks coffee, I saw us moving stronger in directions which to me, supersede any medal, motivation or tangible reward. All in the name of belonging, but we no longer belong.

However, the shining lights still remain the friendships I've forged through these times. Over meals, I've gotten to know "pang sai pose", "GD", "I love tarts" and "chocolate malt" better, and I hope that these can lead to better things, in the strictest plantonic senses. For one day, I have to leave, but I don't want to leave the people who matter to me far more than the cohesive unit once did.

kelvin was inspired at 1:04 AM